Searching for Fred

KRAMER: Well my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.

JERRY: What is that smell?

KRAMER: That's East River.

JERRY: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?

KRAMER: Technically Norfok has more gross tonnage.

JERRY: How could you swim in that water?

KRAMER: I saw a couple of other guys out there.

JERRY: Swimming?

KRAMER: Floating, they weren't moving much, but they were out there.

Arriving at work the other day, a coworker approached me, gave my commuting bike the once over and said something like: "Look at this bike. You are so 'Fred!'" Having not heard this descriptive term, I asked for a definition. He provided his interpretation of "Fred" as a cycling term. I decided to dig deeper. What I discovered is that there are at least three competing definitions for "Fred" commonly used by cyclists.

1. A neophyte, inexperienced, or bumbling cyclist
2. A poser who buys expensive, state-of-the-art cycling gear, but is more interested in being seen that actually riding
3. A utilitarian cyclist who outfits their bike and themselves in a way that is at once practical, yet unstylish to serious racing cyclists

To his credit, my coworker said he believes that there's a little bit of Fred in each of us. Given the variety of definitions for "Fred," I'd say that's a safe conclusion. The category I identify with most would be #3 because at this stage in my cycling life, I'm all about commuting efficiency. This wasn't always the case.

Years ago I purchased a Vitus 979 aluminum bicycle frame. At the time it was pretty much state-of-the-art. I outfitted that frame with Campagnolo components, a lightweight drive chain, very light wheels, pretty damn narrow tires, and the first generation Profile aero bars. I was too cool for school. When I used this bike to commute from my apartment on the peninsula to Santa Clara, I liked to ride fast. A coworker at the time decided to buy a bike with the goal of making it even lighter than my Vitus. He gradually bought more and more lightweight components, a seat with titanium rails, tubular tires, you name it. Yet with each lighter component he put on his bike, his ride became even heavier when compared to the Vitus. Not sure how that could have been, but I swear it was true.

Fast-forward 25 years, bike technology has changed in big ways and my priorities have shifted, too. Instead of lightweight, competition, and speed, I'm more biased toward durability and reliability. Instead of weighing in at less than 19 pounds (8.6 kg), my commuter weighs in around 34 pounds (15.4 kg). By the time I've loaded on the panniers, the whole production tips the scales around 45 pounds (20.4 kg). Okay, I admit I still get the urge to chase down younger riders on fixies and give them a run for their money.

The biggest improvement in the past two decades would have to be lighting systems. I had one of the original NightSun headlights and it was pretty awesome back in the day. The LED lighting available now is significantly more advanced both in lumen output and battery life. I wear a helmet, as I did in the old days. And brightly colored clothing, much to the amusement of the hip, ninja cyclists I encounter each day and night that I ride. So did I used to be cool and now I'm a Fred, or is it the other way around? Beats me ...

Near as I can tell, the main reason to use a term like "Fred" (or "Doris" for female riders) would seem to be to differentiate one group of cyclists as being better than or above the rest. The way I look at it, no matter how fashionable, unfashionable, or individualistic you may or may not be, the important thing is that you are on your bike and you are out there.